Life.

Feeling reflective about a lot today. 

Keep thinking about the best bits and worst bits of past friendships and relationships (it's amazing how one can really outweigh the other in some cases). 

Home friends :)

Thinking about what I'm missing (a bit of the grass is always greener syndrome has struck).

I am enjoying temping meeting new people, and doing different things.

I miss the Cardiff lifestyle and my friends there. 

Not feeling sociable- I want to sit in bed (in my old room) and watch films all day while a thunderstorm rages outside. 

I want to be able to say that by Christmas that I will have settled into the swing of things, but deep down I know Christmas will be hard this year because of us loosing Grandad (also no Christmas dinner with my housemates!). 

 This post seems heavy with negativity 

but the positives are there too.

Today

I feel a little trapped within
a cocoon of self-reflection.

It's lonely in here,
but I'm not ready to break out

yet.

The Best Friend's Job

You sigh and turn to look out of the window.

The lush green garden beckons you, the old wooden gate at the end

an escape.

And yet,

you turn back to look at her hopeful kind face.

She has this magnetic pull,

an optimism for life that you like.

When you are around her you feel better.

But that’s all.

You’re using her to make you feel good about yourself.

She hasn’t realised it yet, but she will.

She’s beautiful and funny and encouraging.

She praises you, listens to you,

fucks you.

She waits for you, and keeps waiting for you.

You stand her up,

more than once.

She forgives you.

She is not naive, and not stupid.

She’s just fallen for you.

You know all of this, and yet you toy with her.

You’re very own living doll.

I feel the bile rise in my throat as you take her hand and smile indifferently at her,

her bright face beaming back.

She won’t believe me if I tell her, she’ll tell me it’s not true,

‘He tells me things he hasn’t told other people.  He tells me that he loves me’.

And yet when you chuck her back into the dusty toy box, broken,

I’ll be the one that will get her out, dust her off, mend her,

and mop away her tears.

I am the one that truly cares.

You smirk at me and tighten your grip, kissing her lightly on the top of her head.

You know I know.

So I wait.

I will always be there, even if you won’t be

You heartless son-of-a-bitch.

Iceberg

Sometimes

I feel like an iceberg,

only showing one thing or nothing

but underneath a flurry of emotions, feelings and thoughts whir, fighting for my time and attention.

I question and challenge myself daily. I work, I play games, I win.

I plan what I want from the future, the future that will work for me.

I think about my family, my friends. How far away they are, if it is one of their birthdays.

I remember all those who have gone. Where they are and how much I miss them.

I ponder death. What it really means and if I should believe in a religion.

I see something sensational and ask myself could I be brave enough.

I wonder who designs the simple things, like the humble can-opener.

If someone’s in trouble I want to help them, I won’t let them down.

Do I have enough money to last until the next payday?

I wonder if I have made them proud.

I let you see only a part of me.

you believe I’m plain

and simple-

I’m not.

Begin

Heart quickening, she fumbled with the papers in front of her,

unruly black scribbles danced wildly, 

solitary words 

surrounded by an oppressive white. 

Thirty pairs of eyes bore into her.  

'When you're ready, begin.'

Amelie

http://youtu.be/ZqT9kA1bcVQ

Click and watch, I tried to put the video on here but it decided it didn't want to work wah :(

This is one of my favourite scenes of this film. It's so alive with images, sounds, smells. The attention it gives to the little things that we just look past in everyday life makes me want to submerge myself in the hubbub and take it all in.

I think that's what I'll do tomorrow.